Have you ever wondered why your family dynamic is the way that it is? Have you noticed that a nuclear family within your extended family behaves differently from your own? Our families play a big role in our psychological makeup and continually in our emotional and mental health. Families can be a source of joy and support or negativity depending on the people within them and the experiences the family has had together. 

In this blog post, we’re going to dive into family dynamics as a dance so you can use it as a lens to evaluate how your family interacts.

What is your family’s dance?

First, let's explore the family dance. The easiest way to conceptualize this is to visualize a mobile above a baby's crib. Think about moving one piece of the mobile. You'll notice that all other pieces of the mobile move as well. This is similar to what family members do. A family's so-called dance represents a larger coordinated set of interactions between family members that stand in some consistent relationship to one another. Your family's dance is organized around the relationships in your family.

Family members do not exist in isolation from one another. Family therapists will view them as a unit. Any change of step, so to speak, by a person in their family's dance will consequently affect all the rest of the members of the family. What one member does or doesn't do affects everyone else in the family. If it’s a swing dance, one dance partner may execute the lifts and spins for the other dance partner perfectly. If it’s a ballet and a ballerina loses count and does an extra spin, she may knock into the one next to her, causing her to fall. 

The behavior of one member affects all the members of the family. It is an emotional family dance. As one member does his dance or her dance, it forces other family members to adapt, many times in unhealthy ways.

An unhealthy family dance can also cause trauma, especially in children who lack coping mechanisms. Researchers have found, “Unhealthy family dynamics can cause children to experience trauma and stress as they grow up. This type of exposure, famously known as adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), is linked to an increased risk of developing physical and mental health problems. Specifically, ACEs increase an individual’s risk of developing heart, lung, or liver disease, depression, anxiety, and more” (Jabbari, Schoo, Rouster, 2023). This illustrates the important connection between our mental and emotional health and our physical health.

Illustrating the family dance

Here is an an example of the family dance that therapists may see:

Anthony and Laura have been married for many years and have multiple children. Laura suspects that Anthony has developed a drinking problem, but is afraid to ask Anthony because he becomes enraged if questioned or challenged. Since he has begun drinking, his interactions with Laura and the children are minimal. He spends most of his evenings withdrawn, staying late at work, on his cell phone or alone playing video games in the basement. 

There are so many repercussions of Anthony’s behavior, but the most obvious is his relational disengagement from everyone in his family. As he isolates himself because of the guilt he feels, as well as other situations he's unhappy about, his wife and children suffer the consequences. Anthony holds back the support, encouragement, or guidance that his wife and children need from him as her husband and their father. 

So, everyone must try to adjust to this new and confusing behavior. If Anthony continues this behavior for a long period, Laura and the children will make permanent adjustments, probably stop looking to him to meet their needs. The older child may remember a time when Anthony didn’t drink and have a different relationship with him compared to the youngest child who has only ever known Anthony in his addiction state. They may stop the dance, kicking him out of the group. Or, they may change the dance, going around Anthony who doesn’t feel like participating in the rehearsal or recitals. Whichever routine, Anthony is clearly no longer an active part of the troupe.

This changing dynamic can cause a form of estrangement to varying degrees. This might look like having absolutely no relationship to having minimal, infrequent, and/or surface level contact with family members with whom one might normally be close. Early research into this topic has found that of adults, about 20% experience estrangement from a father and 9% from a mother, with possible reasons including emotional abuse in the relationship as well as children feeling he need to take sides after their parents’ divorce (Blake, 2024). The impact of this estrangement can be positive for some who feel free of a negative relationship, while others mourn the loss of a relationship.

Changing the dance

The good news is that you’re not destined to do the same dance steps for the rest of your days. As a child, your role is likely that of a follower, observing the dance steps of relatives in generations above you and copying them. But as an adult, you can shape the dance with your actions.

Now that you have a lens to observe your family’s dynamic, start to reflect on in which ways you want to participate in the dance or distance yourself. Perhaps it’s more frequent, healthier, or more open communication, changing the amount of time spent together, or changing the dynamic around codependency. 

Modeling the behaviors you want to see from your family can help make progress toward changing the family dance. Of course, it can be harder to shift your older family members’ behaviors due to the parent/child dynamic, but it’s not impossible. It is, however, especially important to think about this in your own household with your partner and any children you have, as you can set the tone as the leader of your nuclear family.

What are some specific ways to change the dance, or instill a healthy family dance? Research has found that family routines and rituals have lots of beneficial impacts on family relationships, including improving mothers’ satisfaction in the parenting role, and promoting better sleep and behavior in children (Fiese et al., 2002). Creating and instilling a sense of predictability helps bring harmony and coordinate the family dance. 

As you explore this, it’s important to note cultural impacts on things like communication, gender roles, openness to sharing feelings, and other expectations. This is even more important in multicultural families, or if your partner is from a different cultural background. These can impact how your family dances. That context is helpful to understand so you can approach decisions realistically, and with less judgment so you can keep discussions productive.

Recognizing behavior patterns and family dynamics is a key step towards improving your emotional and mental wellness as it pertains to your family. You may better understand how your family dance has been detrimental to you or another family member, or perhaps you are more clear on the ways you can get your family back on beat. By consciously choosing to engage with positive dynamics and establishing boundaries around negative ones, you can create a more balanced, respectful, and loving family environment. 

If you’re looking for a supportive community to help you explore family dynamic issues on your holistic wellness journey, check out Gavin’s Village. Our online community is designed to help you overcome barriers and find peace by growing in all areas of your personal development. Join others on their own growth paths, because it’s easier to go together than alone!

References

Blake, L. (n.d.). Speaking of Psychology: Coping with family estrangement. American Psychological Association. Retrieved June 2, 2024, from https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/family-estrangement

Fiese, B., Tomcho, T. J., Douglas, M., Josephs, K., Poltrock, S., & Baker, T. (2002). A Review of 50 Years of Research on Naturally Occurring Family Routines and Rituals: Cause for Celebration? Journal of Family Psychology, 16(4), 381-390. https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/fam-164381.pdf 

Jabbari, B., Schoo, C., & Rouster, A. S. (2023, September 16). Family Dynamics. National Library of Medicine. Retrieved June 3, 2024, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK560487/