Many people feel strain around the holidays because their family members can be difficult at gatherings, whether they have good intentions or not. Some feel like their only choices are to break boundaries to appease family, be dishonest to mitigate or avoid confrontation, or withdraw from the gathering altogether. Depending on your family dynamics, it doesn’t have to be this way - you can “opt in” just to your comfort level.

As children, our parents and older family members set the tone and example for our family dynamics, often influenced by cultural rules. But as we age, we see other examples from other friends, cultures, and shifting ideals in our society. You may even be the age now that your “older” family members were at your early memory holiday gatherings. That means you are empowered to set the tone and shape the family dynamics to be healthier!

How can you do that? Here are some strategies you can use to be gracious, participate in family events, yet still maintain boundaries.

Physical Boundaries

Remember - it’s your body, and your rules. Implementing physical boundaries during holiday gatherings can help maintain a balance between connection and personal well-being. This is also important if you’re bringing along a partner or children (especially infants) who are susceptible to germs

Start by setting clear expectations in advance. You may be comfortable with some types of physical contact or none at all. You can politely decline physical gestures with a phrase like, “I’m glad to see you! I’m / we’re not hugging/kissing today.”

Arrange seating or positioning during gatherings to ensure you feel at ease, such as choosing a spot away from overwhelming activity or guests. Take quiet moments as needed, perhaps going for a brief walk or stepping outside.

Another tip - if gatherings get loud and you get overstimulated, consider wearing earplugs. There are specialized ones for sensory needs rather than hearing protection, which can be worthwhile if this is a common experience in your life. However, the clear silicone ones available at just about any drugstore are very subtle and can make an event much more comfortable.

Framing these actions with gratitude and warmth, like saying, “I’m so happy to celebrate with everyone, and this helps me stay present,” fosters understanding while protecting your mental health.

Time Boundaries

Commit to attending the holiday functions that work for you. You may face pressure to attend multiple events, or events that are challenging to travel to. Especially if you have multiple invitations - both sides of your family are hosting, or you’re invited to a partner’s events, trying to balance and make everyone happy can be impossible. 

Be confident in your decision about which gathering or gatherings you’ll attend. Share up front if you’ll attend and what arrival and departure times work for you.

In addition, have your exit strategy in place. When you accept an invitation, you can lay the groundwork by sharing that you’ll need to leave by a certain time. You can choose to give a reason, such as:

• Make an appearance at another gathering
• Account for traffic or transportation issues
• Work obligations
• Children’s naptime or bedtime
• Caring for/ feeding a pet

Some family members may push back and insist you stay longer, but be polite and firm. It’s not rude to graciously accept but just for as long as your schedule permits. 

Conversation Boundaries

Uncomfortable questions or conversation topics from family members can impede on our peace. Preparing ahead can help you graciously participate in the conversation, but pivot away to keep your boundaries in place.

You may find it helpful to think ahead about some of the types of questions family members may ask so you don’t feel caught off guard. Here are some topics that family members may bring up:

• Relationships
• Educational milestones
• Career choices
• Plans to have children
• Living arrangements
• How the other parent is, if parents are divorced
• Participation in religious services
• Health related matters
• Politics (especially the recent election)

Sometimes, family members have good intentions and ask about these topics because they care about what’s going on in your life (but it can still be difficult). Others bring up tough topics with less awareness about how it can make you feel. Often, the situation isn’t right to get into a discussion on the topic - such as bringing down Thanksgiving by digging into your career choices - or it’s coming from a family member that it would be inappropriate to discuss with.

If you know a family member has less than positive intentions, or you’re getting overwhelmed with the same topic of discussion, keep your peace by preparing neutral responses to gently redirect conversations. Neutral responses help avoid conflict while signaling that you’re not engaging on certain topics. If someone presses a sensitive topic, you have a few options:

• Politely refuse to engage in the topic, with a response like, “I’m not sure” or “I’m still thinking about it” or “I’ll let you know when I know” 
• Deflect with a general sense of optimism: “I hope it all goes well” or “I’m praying for the best”
• Guide the conversation by discussing a more comfortable topic within a category (this one works well for people who are not directly asking the question they want the answer to)
• Directly acknowledge their question but postpone the discussion: “Let’s save that for another time” 
• Turn the question back to them: “What do you think?” 
• Change the topic, and say: “I’d rather hear about what you’ve been up to!” or ask about something specific you know that’s going on in their life.
• Excuse yourself from the discussion before they can ask another question: “I’m going to catch up with [other guest]” 

For family members who are asking about these topics with good intentions, you can be more transparent if these questions are overwhelming, or if you don’t have great news to share.

Another strategy, depending on your relationship: talk to them ahead of the event about these topics or life updates. By keeping the channels of communication more open year-round, the holidays feel less like a time to catch up on every new thing in your life, and you can shift the discussion to other topics. Some families use group chats as a central hub for family updates. Or, make it a point to call, message, or email your family members every so often to catch up.

Hosting/Guest Boundaries

Holidays often involve travel depending on the distance to the gathering. You may be pressured to host or to stay overnight (or you may need to) depending on travel arrangements.

If staying overnight, consider where you would be most comfortable. You may be able to book nearby accommodations to have a personal retreat, which can allow you to be more present for the main event. You may be comfortable staying with one household but not another, such as your cousin nearby rather than the family hosting the holiday meal. Ask in advance and depending on the family dynamics, you can gauge whether you want to be transparent with your would-be host about your preference.

Booking your travel strategically can be another way to implement a boundary. Maybe you plan for a specific flight or train time that allows you to limit your visit to whatever works best for you. If you get pushback, you can shift the “blame” to the travel times available.

If the pressure is on you to host, consider if that aligns with your wants and needs for the holiday season. If not, simply state that it won’t work with your schedule this year. You may offer to take on a different (more casual, smaller, lower stress) gathering next year to pivot.
 

If hosting does work for you, think ahead about the size of gathering and find a balance. Here are some ways to get creative, which you get to do if you’re in charge of the event:

• make the event more casual rather than formal
• make it a potluck
• cater some or all of the gathering
• provide the food but have the event at someone else’s house
• team up with a friend or family member to co-host
• keep the guest list to a more comfortable size
• invite your friends/neighbors to act as a buffer
• make the gathering shorter by setting a start and end time

When it comes to hosting or being a guest, you can be gracious while also doing what works for you. You can thank your would-be host for their hospitality but insist you did not want to intrude. Some family members may insist, but remember, you’re a guest - not a hostage. 

Financial Boundaries

With travel, gifts, and festive events, the holidays can come with a high price tag. Setting financial boundaries around holiday gatherings allows you to participate meaningfully while avoiding stress.

Start by deciding in advance what you can comfortably afford, including gifts, travel, and contributions to meals or events. Communicate these boundaries early and clearly, such as saying, “I’m focusing on thoughtful but simple gifts this year.” Or, you can suggest modifying the way your family does a gift exchange to limit stress and costs. (Other family members may be relieved at that suggestion!)

If travel expenses are high, consider hosting locally or attending a local gathering. You can pivot by suggesting a visit on an off-season time, and even consider booking future travel to help give the family something to look forward to.

If family members discuss group activities or splitting costs, feel free to say, “That’s not in my budget, so I’ll have to decline” or “I’d love to join for part of the day.”

Offering non-monetary contributions, like helping with cooking or organizing, can also show your appreciation. Reframe your limits positively, emphasizing connection over spending, such as, “I’m excited to focus on creating memories together this year.”

By combining honesty with kindness, you can protect your financial well-being and enjoy the season without unnecessary pressure.

Conclusion

Depending on your family dynamics, the holidays may be a time of joy, a time of stress, or somewhere in between. Keeping your boundaries in place year round is a way to preserve the relationship with family members (and friends and neighbors). Preparing ahead of time can help you participate in these family gatherings and holiday events in a way that is gracious yet works for you - and upholds your mental and emotional health.

If you’re looking for more support to implement or maintain boundaries, consider joining Gavin’s Village, our online community of people dedicated to building their holistic health - mind, body, and spirit.